Christmas and New Year are fab times for a smooch up
No wonder Mistletoe was invented. What a jolly good idea that was.
I’d say it was about time someone invented something for when the kiss goes wrong too.
Are you with me?
Because as well as being the time of the smooch, do you, like me, also find that it’s the season of the awkward kiss?
In case you are wondering what I mean, there are different types of kiss in the awkward category.
The Going the Wrong Way Under Pressure Kiss
This generally happens when meeting someone for the first time or when being polite. It’s not a ‘know someone well’ kind of kiss.
As you dive in for your greeting so do they. You are both going the same way. Whatever happens in this situation, you are going to get the nose or the ear unless you can manage to correct your alignment pretty sharp.
You are never going to know in advance if they are a one, two or three cheek kisser. If it’s the latter, you are definitely going to get a nostril at some point. Either that or you’ll have started walking away while they are still finishing the kiss.
The awkward ‘whoopsy’ giggle that accompanies such encounters will out.
The Going the Wrong Way Habitually Kiss
The most embarrassing one is when it’s always the same person. Literally! Usually someone you don’t know that well or their partner. You both know it’s happened before and it doesn’t matter how many times you try and correct your way in, you just know it’s going to be a collision.
Based on previous experience you try to go the opposite way but so do they. It’s always going to result in kissing their ear.
The Not Meant to be Intimate Kiss
This can happen to anyone. Male or Female. Generally with the opposite sex. It’s worse than ear and nostril and it tends to only happen with people you know quite well. Somehow you end up kissing their neck.
I have done it twice in this lifetime to be precise.
I will never forget how desperately embarrassing it was. Do you say whoops sorry I kissed your neck or say nothing and risk them thinking you are coming on to them?
Saying nothing will generally store trouble for the next time but where do you go with the neck conversation. ‘Nice neck’?
When Your Partner Does The Not Meaning to be Intimate Kiss
It’s better this way round. Yes my partner has done it. Yes it was one of my friends. Did I howl. Yes I did. It’s hilarious when you seen someone else do it.
The one where you have a little chat about it mid-launch. A few ‘whoopsys’ and ‘he-he’s’. Unfortunately this one tends to yield the worst results. It is generally woman to woman, friend to friend. Typical bloody woman thing I suppose – talking about it first. It is by far the biggest culprit for the full on kiss on the lips.
So what is your success rate?
Do you have any tips?
I asked Iron Man how he would do things and his strategy is to go with the one kiss and then try and cover it up if it turns out they are a two cheeker!
I think my general preference is one kiss and a hug. It can cause all kinds of problems though. Particularly if they are still trying to kiss while you hug. This is likely to result in you squashing their head.
Of course, the parents among us have so much experience in the greeting and departure kisses that we feel that our children need to get involved.
We are totally guilty of this. Totally.
Never mind that we remember the fear of kissing certain people when we were their age.
There was always a family member that did a particularly wet kiss that made you scrunch your little body and run off wiping it with your Crimplene sleeve.
Lovely people and all that, just a bit sloshy in the kissing department.
Like all good parents we want them to go through it too.
It’s not really a level playing field either is it now – because everyone has beards nowadays. It’s not just the Aunts.
Couple this with their knowledge of Roald Dahl’s, Mr & Mrs Twit and it’s not just last Tuesday’s Coco Pop that’s going to end up on their cheek.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I would love to hear your success stories.
I’d really love to hear your embarrassing ones even more!
Air kiss. Hug.